When a loved one’s transition into Spirit is the result of suicide, many surviving family, friends, and community members are left with an endless list of burning questions. From the existential questions (Why? Did I miss the signs? Could I have done something? Am I to blame?) to the spiritual (Is there a heaven? Is my loved one going there?), the emotional burden of suicide survivorship can feel crushing and insurmountable.
Some suicide victims plan their suicide intricately weaving complex tales of deception. Others are motivated by a spur of the moment decision. Clarissa’s suicide falls into the second category and has a message for her loved one.
There have been whispers around the why such a beautiful and bright girl with a future full of opportunities would choose to end her own life. Some of these whispers include blaming and shaming her family; they not only had to endure the loss of their child, but they felt ostracized from their community, from their church home, and from their closest friends. Clarissa wants everyone to know that she had a good life. She had an amazing family who loved her: a mother, a dad, and at least one brother. She was happy. They didn’t do anything wrong. There’s nothing they could have done to stop it because she didn’t openly contemplate suicide. No one could have known.
Why did she commit suicide? Clarissa was a teenager who was experiencing the double curse of teenage hormones and rejection simultaneously and these two emotions were so incredibly powerful, they felt devastating at the time. She retrieved a gun her parents kept in the house while everyone else was away, went into her bedroom, and shot herself.
At first, she wasn’t sure she would even pull the trigger. She wanted to make a statement. She was considering posting a selfie with the gun. It was going to be a cry for help. The object of her affection would see the impact his rejection had on her and he would want to save her. Then her anxiety crept up and she started fretting about how she would feel if no one tried to save her. Or worse – what if her classmates mocked her?
In retrospect, she says it was all, “so stupid.”
Not all suicide victims regret their suicide. For some tormented by untreatable illness, whether it be mental, physical, or spiritual, their suicides were an avenue for release and peace. They were able to finally transition into Spirit who isn’t weighed down by their unsolvable circumstances. However, many suicide victims experience significant regret.
Clarissa said she’s sorry. It was “impulsive, stupid, and hurtful.” She said it’s been hard to feel that veil of separation between her and her family. Of watching her brothers grow and mature. Watching her parents age with guilt lines. If she could have gone back and stopped herself, she would have.
Some decisions are decisions that change everything. That we must carry with us. Clarissa’s decision to take her own life is one that she thinks about a lot. As a result, she said that when her brother has a little girl, she has chosen to reincarnate. She misses her family, she’s sorry for the heartache she’s caused, and she wants to return to them their little girl.
It’s also important for them to realize that she’s okay now. She is happy. She’s doing well as a spirit. She just misses them too much to maintain her distance.
If you’re contemplating suicide, please reach out to friends, family, or the suicide hotline.
You can reach a suicide hotline using one of the numbers below. Original list can be found here.
Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
Estonia: 3726558088; in Russian 3726555688
Finland: 010 195 202
Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
New Zealand: 045861048
Portugal: 21 854 07 40/8 . 96 898 21 50
South Africa: 0514445691
United Kingdom: 08457909090
Veterans’ Crisis Line: 1 800 273 8255/ text 838255